Wednesday, January 13, 2010

hello people.

i know i havent been good and have been neglecting my blog.have been receiving complaints from ale and jojo

okay i'm back for now.cos i simply had to let some thoughts out.I'm been doing alot of reflection lately, as to why am I having such thoughts.

most of you should know what I am being bothered by, its none other then the one-in-a-life-time grad trip.I was feeling hyped up over it last semester, looking forward to travelling together with my friends. until one by one they had formed plans,which are unsuitable for me, or being ps-ed by alethea. ahem. you cheat my said go grad trip together ): yea anyway,here are my options for now

1.Be a lightbulb and tag along 2 couples to Europe
2.Apply for homestay Japan/Korea
3. Visit and hopefully I can stay with my customer(fr my birdnestfern) in Australia.
4.Stay in Singapore
5.Travel alone

Option 4 is simply out of the question. i r-e-f-u-s-e, simply refuse to stay in singapore. I don't get to travel much.and I really really want to travel.

Option 1:

I don't like to hang out arnd couples, esp those lovey dovey ones.I think chia and jamie's not like that. and initially I was quite receptive to the idea of 3 of us hanging out together.until evil kangyu commented abt why don't i just get a bf. its not about getting a bf. its abt travelling tog with ppl i like.i don't get attached with tom dick or harry.

and until my friend asked me won't i feel sian travelling with 2 couples? and until my bestie recently got attached and was lovey dovey with her new bf. I even felt left out in my own house during the gathering. Couples have their own couple language and actions. and maybe its all this,that turns me away from hanging out with couples.Or maybe I feel jealous cos she was my bestie, and we are supposed to be spending girl time together, and we used to do that together and now he is doing it with her. I know its like primary school, feeling jealous and stuff, but i can't help it.

And its perhaps I've been so used to being single, i couldn't understand why couples must go on grad trip together. and i know i've been bad, actually hoping chia would convince jamie not to go so that i can have her company.i know thts mean.I know my mistake now.Chia said that couples would wanna tour Europe together and its a rare opportunity.I guess I couldn't see the point until she told me. But now i no longer hope that chia would ask jamie not to go. I don't want her to forsake jamie for me.I'll feel bad.Jamie's so sweet to chia, i don't wanna be mean too.But I don't want to feel left out or neglected. Or feel like I'm hindering them and they can't enjoy their couple time because of me.

thats why i'm contemplating options 2,3 and 5

Options 2,3,5

Option 2,3,5 is basically more or less similar i guess. its abt travelling alone to the country and maybe exploring it myself.

I don't like the feeling of feeling unwanted, left out. Because I would rather choose to be alone.

I admit, i'm a prideful creature. And I guess thats what pushed me out of my comfort zone. pushed me to do things alone. I used to be dependent. but since 6 years till now, i know i changed. maybe changed abit too much until i close up.

because of pride and situational behaviour, i know i've became more independent and pushed myself to do things i would never have done alone in the past.

1. Plan core modules and elects alone
2. Swimming and running alone
3.Shopping for my accessories raw materials alone
4.Getting down to settle the rental display alone
5.Getting back to relearning driving though

1. Plan core modules and elects alone
For one year, I planned my modules alone.I don't ask anyone for their index when I plan.I don't even tell people what I am planning for. or rather, it doesn't matter to me. If i see someone i know in class, good. If not, i'll make new friends

2. Swimming and running alone
I used to never want to do these alone.I dreaded being alone.but now, i do swim and run alone.
i guess it started during PA. I would make sure i run 3 times a week, even after work, and when its late, and my hse area there is ulu. Just so I can prove to myself I can run 4km in 30mins at most. Even if i would run till my tears come out,I would push myself.yes.pride. And just so I can tell my friends I did exercise as I said I would earlier

I only stopped jogging late when i got stalked home one day at 10plus after dinner

3.Shopping for my accessories raw materials alone
4.Getting down to settle the rental display alone

I remember how I used to bug my friend, my ex, my dad to shop accessories with me. but not now.I can do these myself.I can go alone, from orchard to doby,chinatown to vivo alone. just to buy my stuff.I can skip lunch so that I get things done myself.

5.Getting back to relearning driving though
I was once convinced that I'm not gonna retake my test and I hate it.And i shall leech on my family or my future bf/hubby to drive me around. and I was determined. until my friend, who likes to rub me in the face, rubbed his freshly received police letter that states he passed his driving license.

yea, and that made me want to get a license to throw in his face.

Pride made me step out of my comfort zone to do all those.and perhaps also make me contemplate the 3 ironical.I refuse to even travel alone to malacca, which is like nx door, and now, i'm thinking of travelling alone to japan/korea or wherever alone for 3 weeks?

I think i'll probably get lost in the airport.I've only taken the plane twice.I know thats pathetic. Once 10years ago, with family to Penang, the most recent one, to taiwan, also with family. Will i be able to find my way in the airport alone?

and yes, i'm

afraid of the dark
afraid of ghost
afraid of everything

can i really travel on my own?

Everything has its first time.The happy things, the new things, the sad things. I've all experienced it. Even the saddest thing that I encountered so far. I faced it alone.I decided I can't rely on others.I decided I can only protect myself by closing up, and yea, i guess that worked so far, even tho I do have breakdowns now and then, but as long as I keep it to myself, I can control it.

because I tell myself I can do it. I must do it. I will do it.
and yea, i'm doing serious thinking about options 2,3 and 5.